The blog where I rant about things that should be obvious to everyone

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Why I love game theory

Today I had a friend email me a sermon on the relationship between love and sex (Love, Sex, and Lasting Relationships part 3 from And based on the content I'm guessing that he must think that I'm going to bars and picking up prostitutes every night.

But I listened to the whole thing because I thought that it was a great case study on why Christian men need game worse than most segments of society.

So to summarize and dismantle:

it starts by telling the story of an unmarried couple, Mike and Lauren, who have sex and then the guy dumps the girl. The first thing that made me laugh was how embarrassed the speaker was talking about their first time. How he said, “You know my room mate isn't coming back tonight” and then Lauren got all caught up in the moment and what not. All in all a very beautiful story aside from the no marriage part.

Here are some biblical experts from the Bible written from the perspective of a woman whom as far as we can tell is not married.

Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth: for thy love is better than wine.
 Because of the savour of thy good ointments thy name is as ointment poured forth, therefore do the virgins love thee.
 Draw me, we will run after thee: the king hath brought me into his chambers: we will be glad and rejoice in thee, we will remember thy love more than wine: the upright love thee.
 I am black, but comely, O ye daughters of Jerusalem, as the tents of Kedar, as the curtains of Solomon.
 Look not upon me, because I am black, because the sun hath looked upon me: my mother's children were angry with me; they made me the keeper of the vineyards; but mine own vineyard have I not kept.
 Tell me, O thou whom my soul loveth, where thou feedest, where thou makest thy flock to rest at noon: for why should I be as one that turneth aside by the flocks of thy companions?
 If thou know not, O thou fairest among women, go thy way forth by the footsteps of the flock, and feed thy kids beside the shepherds' tents.
 I have compared thee, O my love, to a company of horses in Pharaoh's chariots.
 Thy cheeks are comely with rows of jewels, thy neck with chains of gold.
 We will make thee borders of gold with studs of silver.
 While the king sitteth at his table, my spikenard sendeth forth the smell thereof.
 A bundle of myrrh is my well-beloved unto me; he shall lie all night betwixt my breasts.
 My beloved is unto me as a cluster of camphire in the vineyards of Engedi.
 Behold, thou art fair, my love; behold, thou art fair; thou hast doves' eyes.
 Behold, thou art fair, my beloved, yea, pleasant: also our bed is green.

So in the Bible we see this author talking about putting oil on their naked bodies before sex, comparing her man's penis to a horse's, and also about having sex in public or at least outside. Not a hint of remorse or shame. This is a beautiful passage that should not make a man feel uncomfortable.

So anyway the preacher goes on to tell Lauren's side of the story, about how she just made her whole world revolve around Mike, and she even changed her summer plans to be with him. That's when he said that he was feeling smothered. And he said that he was not the kind of guy who does one night stands or anything and that he wants to honor women. But we are to take away the lesson that the woman in the story thought that sex was a part of commitment and a deeper relationship, where as to the guy it was just an act that only happens in the moment. Oh virtuous woman and evil evil man! Quick lets all take the pledge.

But you know what? I'm guessing that the Mike is the sort of hapless beta herb who would gladly sign his name under such a pledge, and he'd probably mean it with every fiber of his being. Let me tell you what actually happened here, that these two people could not even see for themselves as a result of a life time of feminist programing. It's not rocket science. Lauren was smothering him. I'm betting that after they had sex that she started taking up all of his waking moments. I'm guessing that every time he wanted to spend a night with his guy friends that she made it a power struggle of “Who's more important to you!?!?!?!? Them or me!!”, and like the dutiful beta male he gave into her night after night after night after night after night until he realized that he couldn't even picture what his other friends even looked like anymore. And finally, just when he thought that there was a light at the end of the tunnel and he could start living a life in world of more that just him and her, she tells him that she's going to spend the whole summer with him. And suddenly he sees a future where all he ever does for the rest of his days is listen to her talk about her feelings and go clothes shopping, and prays for the sweet release of death. And now after seeing this unbearable vision he snaps and in a fit of uncontrollable rage tells her:
“I think....
you know...
we could use a break”.
And now in her darkest hour, she asks herself how in a world where men are so cruel, could there ever be a god?

And what does our pastor have to say about this? “Mike wasn't ready for the commitment that sex communicated to Lauren.” Of course this particular relationships counselor did not lay the whole blame at Mike's feet. He tells both sides of the story by letting us know that Lauren actually did flirt with him and stuff.

Now here is the actual problem with the relationship. What really happened here is that after having sex Lauren's rationalization hamster went into overdrive. She was a good girl who does not have sex outside of marriage I'm guessing, and so in her mind after deciding to have sex with him (and yes she actively decided to have sex, saying that you were caught up in the moment is nothing more than a self serving way of saying that you have buyers remorse), she was committed to him as though they were married. This was in conflict with her biological imperative to find the best genes possible for her few fertile years. So to resolve this conflict she started shit testing him to death. That is to say she started acting irrational and manipulative in the deepest hope that he would stand up to her thus proving his strength and fitness as a sperm donor. And the more he failed her shit tests, showing a lack a strength, the deeper her need to shit test him became, and the more intolerable she became. With even the most basic, simple understanding of game, Mike would have known to tell her “Sweety I'm going out tonight, and seriously, get a hobby or some other friends or something. It'll make you a better person.” and then leave without hearing her reply. This would have allowed him to have a life, validated her choice in a mate, and given the relationship a chance. The story might have ended with them getting married and telling story of how they regret having sex before marriage, but it all worked out in the end.

The one thing that he did that is criticized is the only alpha move that he makes. And far from being a bad thing, it saved them from a much worse fate.

Let me paint you a picture of third ending to this story. In this ending, Mike does not ever get pushed past his breaking point. He sees his grim future together with Lauren and just accepts it out of some misplaced sense of duty that he learned in his mandatory womens study class. He spends every waking moment with Lauren and then when he finishes school gets the safest, most boring job he can. He then saves everything that he makes for three months and buys the most expensive ring that he can afford. When he proposes to Lauren, she is also resigned to her fate but has long ago lost any shed of respect for him. She takes the ring and puts it on and admires how it looks on her hand before telling him yes. They have kids who grow up disrespecting their father because that is the behavior they have been taught by their mother. Without a man for a father to discipline them they grow up unruly and out of control, weighing heavier on him with each passing day. Mike does everything that Lauren asks and a couple of times each year she will reward him with sex, until one day she serves him with divorce papers. Turns out that the whole sex thing had "just happened" with another man for the last ten years, and only one of the kids is even his. After the divorce she moves in with her boyfriend, taking half his wealth, the house, and the kids, leaving him with nothing but child support payments and a broken spirit.

So for one ,albeit brief, shining moment, Mike is a man, takes control, and stops submitting to the crazy.  And what are we told? That that moment is when he displayed his mistaken views on sex and sinned. His real sin was failing in his duty as a man until the only way he could assert himself in the role God gave him to play in this relationship was by ending it.

The next story told is of a woman who is married and finds no pleasure in sex. And we are given the reason that it is because of her promiscuous past, and that she does not know what it means to be cherished by a man. Again, wrong. The reason that she is not enjoying sex is because she does not find her husband sexually attractive. And by the way although for a husband to cherish his wife is a good thing, it's not in the least bit sexy. I doubt that I could say anything better than this review for the book on game The Married Man Sex Life Primer

I stayed up all Saturday night reading it. I was irritated and pissed off at times, yet I could not put it down. At the end I thought, eh, it's only $20. I finally went to bed. Yesterday we all went out for Easter brunch and I found myself thinking about it. Thinking about the book and thinking about the author.

Why? Why would a book that (to me) in essence was a guide on how married men can get what they want sexually, often through manipulation consume my thoughts? All damn day I thought about this book. This goes against everything I believe in, so why was your book on my mind?

My husband is a VERY good looking man, think Tom Brady good looking. He is incredibly attractive. 6'3", green eyes, blondish brown hair/full head, a member of Mensa and makes six figs. His genetics alone are what women would kill for. So why is it then that for me (the higher sex drive person), sex is just eh and I often don't want it. It's good sex but it isn't great sex. It isn't his technique either. 17 years married, he has my inner tickings down well.

It hit me like a torpedo last night after everybody else had gone to bed. I want the Captain husband and me as his First Mate. I am tired of being the person in control. I never wanted it in the first place, he assumed I did as he saw this dynamic with his parents. I am tired of words vs. actions. He always says I turn him on, I am the one he wants, I am sexy. He doesn't back it up with action though. His "action" is to wait and see, a very unsexy trait. He is very dominant in his career, so clearly he has the ability. I want him to be dominant in our relationship. I want my husband to say "be ready at 10 pm, wearing these heels and this lingerie" instead of "are you staying up?". I want the directive and the passion that comes across with it. I would literally be putty in his hands if he told me instead of asked.

What the hell has happened to me? Your book. A brilliant and very well written guide to getting what you want in marriage. I know this now and I feel it is the best $20 I have ever spent. It made me realize a lot about myself and about what I want. My husband is now reading it. Perhaps he will have a takeaway as I did or perhaps not. At least I will benefit either way, for me.

After story time is over the preacher basically gets it right on the money in stating how harmful porn and casual sex can be. Over all I give the sermon a C+.

But the point that I'm making is that our society has forgotten what men are, and what they should be, and unfortunately the church is the last place to look for answers on this issue.  Our society needs men, and learning game is how you can deprogram yourself and take up that mantel.  

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