Wasted tweet ideas

My friend set up a twitter account in his girlfriends name in order to rib her by posting unflattering tweets posed as her.  After a few tweets he enlisted my help for tweet ideas.  I made quite a few of them which I thought were pretty funny, but after several months have passed its clear that he is not going to actually use any of them.  So rather than let them go to waste I'm posting them here.  Feel free to brazenly rip me off if you would like to pull a similar prank on you girlfriend.

My one regret is that I'll never be loved by a chubby chaser.

I'm serious, when I go to lolcats I know that there is a god.

People tell you that sharing is good, but share one needle and your a monster.

You guys seeing this hot dog? Damn thats a big hot dog!

I thank God everyday for living in an age where they could put magnets in my neck giving me the balance to walk again.

Chickens are a vital part of nature's chain. And that is why we use them to play chicken ball in the house.

They say home is where the heart is. God am I lonely.

Shit my dad says is popular for that one kid so why not me? Here it goes: 'I named you Sam because I wanted a boy.'

Stuff MY dad says: 'Sam, get out of there. We threw that food out for a reason.'

In olden times it was not uncommon for men crossing the desert to have to drink their own urine. Lucky bastards.

If we were born without tongues we'd all know sign language, but we wouldn't be very good kissers

If your so thirsty, why don't you get a drink off the hose like the dog you are?

Cats are just like dogs. Fools with no honor.

Darn it, threw up on my keyboard again. Stupid pictures of new borns

I know what your thinking from that last post, but I AM NOT BABY CRAZY.

Stuff My dad says: 'My god Sam, what did you roll in? Your going to have to wash that off before we let you in.'

Reasons Bob won't play chicken ball: 'I'm tired. Plus we only have one rooster. DERRRR'

A shoe sale at jcpennies and koles?  Things are about to get f***ing ugly.

Why do they call it a warthog?  I mean its not like they hog warts do I?

Come on people, Friday is actually a pretty catchy song.

Stuff MY dad says: 'I don't care who started it. You are not to have toilet bowl water squirt gun fights in my house.'

I saw the boy again. He was in my apartment. He said that I was beautiful. And I don't care what Bob says, he's real and his name is Sandy.

If a poofter in denial and a Wisconsinite got married would their children be cheesy poofs?

I just popped a zit on my shoulder and it went straight into my mouth. Bullseye.

They say there's more than one way to skin a cat.  Odd phrase as I've only been able to figure out one way

Life isn't fair. People who have never met you will judge you on the spot for pushing ONE guy in a wheel chair down a flight of stairs.

Well it’s an election year, so get ready for ‘I’m Bob and I’m so great because I research candidates before voting for them. Rupdy dupdy do’

You know what those dumb radio call screeners told me?  That I can't say dick on the air.  I mean, how else do I talk about Mother Teresa.

Bob always is trying to get 2 player ps3 games that I'll play with him and I keep telling him, I like watching him play while I drink scotch

Oh great, now Bob's all like 'DERRR Sam I don't like it when you drink scotch DERRR you always go driving afterwards DEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRR'

Don't you hate it when your man gets back from work and you go up to him and yell 'It's chicken ball time' only to hear him say that he's tired, and then you black out and when you come to Bob's crying in the corner?

Do those humane society commercials make you guys want chinese too?

We laugh at that cat flushing the toilet over and over and watching the water swirl, and yet we all do it.

If only I had cancer, than no one would ask me why I wear a wig.  I guess I'll go sit on the microwave somemore.

Stuff MY dad says: "You smell like a brewery, I hope you haven't been driving." (I had lol).

Some people tell me that I have a drinking problem, to which I always retort: "I hope you burn in a fiery hell".

Stuff MY dad says: "Every day you go without brushing your teeth or combing your hair, you remind me more of an unkept bear".

I like my coffee like I like my men, hot, black, and full of cream.

Sure you talk big in the internet, but if we met in person you'd cower at the very flare of my nostrils.